CHIFFONS.
Observer, Volume VI, Issue 142, 2 June 1883, Page 168
About this newspaper
CHIFFONS.
" By Otjs " New Chum." The City of the Plains is flat ; it is also stale and unprofitable, in the broadest sense of the words. Before I came out here I -was told that the aristocracy of New Zealand was to be. found in Christchurch. If this •be true, I'm a democrat to the backbone. I don't like your aristocracts ; they're a little nnyod. I've heard the same class of people at Hoi.ioe'inr.^iorisedas snobocracy, but what's iv a uu-um 1 r I'e heard servants called ladies and gentlemen a .-id their •j-.d--ployers " boss " out here 5 what <: .-houJ^ -o :u>i. ] to call swindling at Home, smartness out- here. ' and so on. However, this is only natural, ;: 3 j everything (the seasons included) is upside ticv j: > so people think on their heads, as it were, anu. i their ideas get inverted, and so do their morals, j There's no doubt Christchurch has advantrjros I and disadvantages ; among others, the Cathedral, ■ Cabbage Wilson, Kate Weston, and the Chemical ! Fire Extinguisher (large caps, printer, please) . I. ! also has eartquakes, but I don't think the Chcrai- i cal Fire Extinguisher seem strong enou=- ; qJ rub them out much, but it's handy &?' w i'-§g vestas, if they haven't too big a flame — it y li!s ' !l || finest dust in the world, and most of it — a^ o^ 1 " 1 " 1 --* gated iron fence not far from the Whiti^£fj^j Hotel ; this is handy for propping up drunken ; men against on a hot summers day ; keeps t.br.m ! nice and warm ; they die sometimes — the u-au ; who runs Society ; there is also a man dovn. at i Lyttelton who runs the Jail ; these two gentlemen might live together with great benefit to the public (no offence to the Jail man), I mean in separate apartments— and, crowning glory, Hagley Park! this is a nice place to hang one's self in. Some of the roads in Christchurch must, I take it, have been about the locality where the sower sowed the seed that fell upon stony ground — that's to say, if he did his work conscientiously, and picked the stoniest he could find. It seems curious that large cobble stones should have to be worn down by hoofs and wheels, but perhaps they are put down to encourage trade. Maybe the commissioners of roads, or whatever you call them, are horsedealers or coach-builders ; it's rough on the quadrupeds, though. There are some pretty walks about the suburbs, but uncommonly few pretty girls to walk with ; there are some wellbuilt houses, but few well-built men ; there are capital draught horses, but few good hacks ; there are good cabs, but few good carriages ; there are a few good shops, and about a thousand shanties. Hagley Park, as they have the cheek to call it, is a howling sandy wilderness — a disgrace to the town ; it is a favourite place for stickers-up and larrikins and their female mates. The system persued was to fence in a barren plot of ground, call it a park, just to say they had a park, and then let it rip. The Canterbury dragoons, or whatever they call themselves, do not quite come up to our life guards in height, but some of them are a good deal fatter. I am certain Professor Sample could not tell the ages of their chargers by the teeth, for most of them had lost their own a few hundred years ago, I should think, — I didn't notice that any of them had false ones — and their certificates of birth were probably destroyed in the deluge. Their accoutrements possess the charm of variety. I won't say anything about the ladies' dress, except that " Soloman., in all his glory, was not arrayed like one of i th'Jse.!' — wise man, Soloman. The river is just 1 large enough to hold all the dogs and cats they • throw in^o it at present, but when j;he town increases in &?<> it- will have to bejnereased f or this , purpose. Ihv'arrikiris are o? the most, vicious I type, and all ttu^/pore dangerous, because they put on aii'aiv of r£ eotability in the day, and are 1 . consquently not- s!^{ at night; ? The; liquor , 'sold in many "jjt : 'iW-. %,-ptels" is .; simply Vhideous, ' [thi§ must be?true,' '. for "b i r v " I$W <Gwf&" ''is.', a fire^ rate 'judge, if pQjjrefc of
tutes one.— Ed. Obs.] and helps to replenish" the graveyards to a wonderful extent; the heavy crops grown in Canterbury. ; for: dead sundowners make capital manure, especially when preserved in whisky. Perhaps the liquor would be better if the different hotels had different proprietors, but this is not the case, for they are as many sheep having one shepherd. The, town of Christchurch can fairly claim supremacy in one particular — it is out and out the' ugliest in the, Colcny (Wellington not excepted). - It reminds me of a larrikin, over-grown, straggling, lanky,: and altogether badly proportioned. Perhaps its flatness is the cause of this. They say the; Cathedral City is sinking slowly. This might be improved upon for the benefit of the world in, general by causing it to sink— quickly. There is a club there, called the Gentleman's Club, I don't know why. There a number of men there called gentlemen, I don't know why. ' There is a church, there . called a Cathedral, I don't know why. It is supposed to be a great place for sport, I don't know why. The best horse doesn't always win though, I don't. know why. There are a great number of 'fires there, I don't know why. Uninsured houses, though, are rarely burnt down, I don't know why. A good many people become bankrupt there, I don't know why. After they have done it three or four times they generally start a carriage, I don't know why, 'cos I'm so 1 silly, I am. Extraordinary things happen there. I've seen two right bowers and five aces in a Euchre pack ; I've seen a man strike a lamp-post with his fist, and tell it to " Get out o' my road " ; I've seen a lady go up to a stranger and ask him to go home and have some tea with her— awfully hospitable they are in Christchurchl"Th'e police are too officious there ; I got " run in " myself once [is that all? — Ed. Obs.] for sitting on the kerb stone to count the stars, as though a fellow could study astronomy standing. Apropos of astronomy, what a godsend to the Star the Costley bequest is; it makes as much fuss about it as though it were one of the institutions interested. The executors having been trusted by Costley to administer his estate according to his wishes, are answerable to no one except the ghost of the deceased and their own consciences, provided they don't embezzle the trust money, and, if they are wise, will pursue the even tenor of their way content -with performing a thankless office according to the be3t of their ability, without heeding the bawl of the busy bodies. But to return to Christchurc — [we heartily wish you would, and "never come back no more." — Ed. Obs.] — no, I'm hanged if I do ; it's not good enough ; I'm sick of it, and I expect my readers are. I've not said much about the place, because there's nothing much to say. It's bad form all over. They say the doctors do a good business there, and, judging from the spotty appearance of the young men, I can quite believe it. Now, sir, I am going to see " Pink Dominos," and try to transport myself in imagination [we always thought our " New Chum " had been transported in a Government ship. — Ed. Obs.] to dear, naughty Cremorne, for the small sum of half-a-crown, — it used to make a hole^m v a^te^fier }to go there in reality, though. Fatflis .'i-'ti-ni, but somewhat expensive.' Yale! — Yours, : Mirute Chrietoly, I New Chum.
