The Critic.
NZ Truth , Issue 408, 19 April 1913, Page 1
About this newspaper
The Critic.
' r— ." . ... AAA "f,.f...f'f Af'-f .. ' | Who can undaunted brave the Crlt|c*o rage, I I Or note unmoved his mention jn the Critic's page, I ', i Parade his error Ih the public eye, ' >■ '• ' . 1 %V ' And Mother Grundy's i*ade defy? JrM
Imperfect man naturally and quite properly resents perfections. ' It is more' blessed to be satisfied than to expect nothing— and get It. I • i * . <i Jf we were only sure that fathers knew _ more than their children, how easy life ,i would 'be. * « a Woman is fickle m order to justify man's estimate of her— man because lie can't help it. *' » m It's the operator sending the urgent message who Wires m, and -can tell a' graphic story. • ". .. * * . (There's a lot of difference between putting your soul into a thing and putting your .foot into It. i r * ■' *....» Marriage is necessary tb the perpetuation of spciety. It's, the only way some of our best -people get money. I A man is -_a hero m his, wife's eyes for twb months only — the month before he is married and the month after 'hi_? TSeath. - . , ' t ■ ' '_■ • • < . re," y ...,_• :..'■_.■_. . ■ . The religion of a country does no,t de; termine its civilisation, but the civilisation of a country .determines its '.religion. , » if • Women love 'men m many ways; Sometimes as idols to worship, as kings to slave 'for, sometimes as children to care for and guide. . , .. *. » • It is just possible that -'the reason why some people's troubles fit them so perfectly is that they are so constantly rehearsing them. A suburban librarian says a book entitled"The School of, Love" is m much demand. At that school 4 the lessons must be got by heart. "f ', • v, Storied earn and animated bpst jusjt about fills the bill when, the author has got through his coin, and 'wake's up with "a head ori him like a nielon. •.;',--'. • : * v ■■■-'•■'-' Christchurch really IS ''becoming too ..ffist.' During the week quite a batch-ofmotorists have been brought before the cpurt and fined for furious driving. * "■ :''*'■ 'v- ■_».-' The King has approved of the< newly-' discovered land m Antarctica being called after him. 'As usual, Antarctica Is maintaining a frozen silence ori the subject. .'•".-.■■* - ' . ■ -■-■', • • ' » '•:■••. "Woman Alive!" Ik now the cry of the vote-hunters m Hold Hlrigland. If they'd cheese it, stay at ' home, and ply the needle and thread; then Woman Alive! th'e'i'sbckk would be mended. '' ■ , ; ''.. « ■' ■ ■ , . » Adventures make the. accidents of life: the accidents create the failures and shape the successes; Adventure is a nig soul-monger; it buys us and sells us according^ to our own market value. • 'v" ; .''•'i 1 ; ■■• ' . " ' Servia notifies she comply with the request of the Powers and evacuate Albania; Reminds one of the yarn of the the Montana restaurant waitress. To the cutomer: "There's -hash. What'll' y* have?" ''•''''/ ' v ..'. :■ ; *'.'-■ ' ' * * ■ - New British Bankruptcy Act provides for the, publication of' certain .commercial offences. If a law were enacted m Now Zealand requiring the { jjublicatlon of breaches of. the commercials^ the pap-, ers would contain little e«e •'■• Turkish miUta|^fl^,yriUes . are publishing notlcgjj|___r ytie Constantinople papers sodjt^^ to; return to tl>elr n<yjr die front. Turkey may be out of -^ . .tf.jlh^'some things, but evidently thinks there's good biz. m advertising. ■i * <i - Bear this ih mind, ye hangers-on of Guvmint 'Ouse and sycophants generally: "His Majesty the King commands that the wife of the Governor of New Zealand shall have the dignity and style m all official documents and on ail occasions of her Excellency." (Vide recent "Government Gazette" notice.) "Critic"' opines that somo of these fine days the democratic spirit (now dormant) m New Zealand will arise and lift up its voice, and that not a still small one, m protest against such useless overpaid functionaries as Governors. »!._.''" * * This should appeal tp tlie Maprllander .who' fancies that -"Gorsown" is equally as woll known to tho outside world as to himself. A Wellington importer has received a letter from a New York firm In which tho fatter expresses regret at hay ing "no llteraturo m the language. of your country/but you will probably bo able to get 'the enclosed' circular translated." Tlje circular referred to was couched m excellent English. Reminds one of the letter Sir George Reid once received from h Scotch lady, inviting him to a garden party, m which the burly Heyeglass?Commissioner was requested to come m hid' native costume!
Being rude to the wrong people betrays a lack of early training. ' * * . * The married man rattles .his chains to assure himself' of his freedom. f * * Honor thy father and thy mother, rather than the comniercial paper of thy friends. * • • Straying with people consists m your hot having your own I way and their not having theirs. T '_•".' • ■ ■ * It is the likelihood of being found out that' frightens most /women. Men are more worried by tbe possibility of being sued. * .'■*.■■ ' >* The purchase: of experience is not allowed for by the »income tax, and m. any case few of us would care to produce the iteir^s. , , , * ' . •■•_'-' .. » There is a distinction, b v etjween he unemployed and the Idlers. To compute thb latjjer one must set two dogs to fight m the street. > ' _tM«v ~ ',__* . .' v ~. -*■* -v, *.—*' - ,.•! ' Advice to girls— lt is better to make,-many nieil happy by being engaged tp them than to make' 'one ' miserable by marrying him. » *'• * i "Better^ to go to bed supperlejss than rise m debt;" says a sage. A fair Inference tnat he said it after a vain "hum . for the morning rum. I-' ■'■. • ',* .'.*'' t•" i xA fashion writer .recommends . lemon I juice, for the complexion: Now mere fnan begins to' understand . where some of the. old dowagers' get their sour looks. ' I * ■ . ■ ■ ••...■ » .. I At Ma'ngaweka. on Thursday, a number of cases against settlers were heard, the I charges being to the elect* that they exposed lice-infected sheep for _?ale. . Evidently the settlers had not ? obtained a license. ' ,' '. ; .;'■. •■" •'. • ' •'■ ■ • ■", ' The following terse 'note was recently left behind by -ap eloping couple- m Timaru:' "We've eloped. Forgive us If you can, and if you can't write us care G.1P.0., [Sydney, and say 1 what you are going to [do about it." ' I _■-'_■ . *. . . , * *■ f -.. * . I A pickpocket with the.pals.y is one of the most tragic figures m the world. Think of the unlucky man who on Inserting his hand most dexterously into his neighbor's pocket, is immediately discovered Thy the wobbling of his knuckles. ■'•'*,. *, ■ - '.*■ "Heme's to the gladness of her gladness '; When she's glad; Here's to" the sadness of her' sadness ; When £>fee's sa.d. v But the gladness of her gladness And the sadness, of her sadness ' Are as nothing' to the badness of, her badness . When she's bad." * ■*'•''■* An .outline of a romance sent for "Truth's" staff to write up: He is a teller In a Bank. He had courted, a young woman from his native town. She found herself m trouble; he helped to get her out. She .jets into trouble again. He does his best to help her, but it results m a catastrophe at the doctor's; ambulance sent for; afraid to gd to hospital; she goes to a friend's place. Teller is "a regular church-goer (of course), and Is now paying attention to another young lady, also keeping on with his victim; He is very careful, to keep matters dark. The old, old story of a man— ahd two maids. * ' • . ' .* • .' * An old lady gives it as her opinion that thero is going to he a„ wpr. before very i long, '"because of the birth of so many j boy babies." Well, of course boy babies 1 have their sorrows to come, which points J rather decisively. 'to -matrimony— which IS j war. But, then, all the babies are not born.ye_. There may be a great reaction m the way of girls before the next year sets m, and this may balance things more evenly. At all events, we ougnt to see 1913 out before tho sorting begins, tho more especially as there are an unprecedented nuftibcr of "interesting events" still m abeyance. * , * * Maurice Maeterlinck, tho author of "The Blue Bird," and who, according io the cables, is contributing some of his wealth to the Belgium strikers, is devoted to outdoor lKe. ' He works out of doors 'most of the year. Skating, fishing, gardening, walking, motoring are his favorite amusements. In tlio winter he Jives among the roses of Grasse, m the Alps Marltimes. Here It was ho thought out j "The Blue Bird." The rest of the year j he lives at the old Norman abbey of Si ! Wandiille, a wonderful old house, whlc'.i has hardly beon touched or altered fo>centuries. It is surounded by a great .garden, full of mysterious paths and grand old trees. Flowers are everywhere for the poet is a famous gardener, and is never happier than when tending his flowers or watching his. bees. His , books on "The Life of a Bee" and "The Intelligence of Flowers" reveal some wondrous and unexpected secrets of nature.
A rise In copper?— The bobby's promotion. ■ ; '..'.* V•. * '■■••'■' Recommend a roUgidn that will unite men, not divide them. .••-■■*■■ Never. put off till to-morrow those you can do to-day. ■ The man who borrows trouble is continually m debt. ,■ .'■ '■'.■■ • ' ■ • ' •'■■•■■.-. God made man m His own image, but many have, trouble keeping up appearances. ",-.." ' ,:■ .'•.*.■.':..■■■ -.■.*■'■' '. . •• --'. ■ . There are no ugly women— there are only women who do riot ! know how to look pretty. / . , ' * '.' ": - * ■' ' .■*■■'■" Money may not bfc able -to buy happiness, but it can buy off a great deal of discomfort. . I ' ' /■ '.*'-. •'. '* • Hopeful: "Daci, what is meant by the mother tongue?" Parent; "S'gh, my boy! Don't start, her!" ; , ■ ■'' '■ "■ •"*■ .' ' : -' ■.*,"■'■'■.. '>• : '' - : This' is an age of rush, butf there are, still a few kleptomaniacs who believe m ''taking things quietly." ■ T ■■_■.. "■■ ■. ■ ■ • ' ■ * Very- great 1 love always means a reciprocity. It is only, m legends that hearts are lost to statues or ice-maidens. • ; .-■.'•.. ''.•"•v *'.■_";'.. » : Heaven is ,the place to, which good people, go y the best people, however, are i more frequently to be ' found In the other place.. ;_ .:- . ■. ■ • '. "• ' ■ . ■:. ' '■■ ; ' ■«>;■(•■ ■'■•'-.. '-.i ' ■. •• ■ . ■ •■■" ■ ' • ■■ ■ ' : There are . two sorts of men m the wqrldT-^those, who carry a purse .'and" those who do not— and between them' Is a great giilf fixed. ' ' ' ■" -. i If: a, .-grown man cannot judge a girl's disposition and character at first sight, he had better ask his aunt to choosa a wife for him. .' * ''.'*.,. ' * - 3Eyer noticed 'that' Weather Prophet Bates, the man who tells the 'country 'whether it will be clear or cloudy for the next 24 hours, always carries an umbrella with him, for fear it rains? ' f ''■■*■ • Most people have as much pride m their vices as m their virtues. To have no vice proclaims a lack of knowledge of tho worldi and. there are times m the life of every man when he likes to be thought worldly. ■ r • . -.;< - : :.,' ;v • , . v Expectorating In tramcars is not allowed, so that if some inventive . tailoi would locate pockets' of the future in- a handy position, life may be worth living for- after all. • - • * ■ ' • * - « One' does hot ask a beautiful woman to be dlever. ;■ One does not expect h. clever woman to be beautiful. One does not even hope that an aggressively good woman will be either. • '■ • .t .-■-..■• . . ■ It is an excellent maxim that a wife should' do everything m her. power to j save her husband from annoyance, but even the most conscientious of them can't resist the. temptation to buy him a box ot cigars for a birthday present. ■ "The King ■•■ of Grease Assassinated." was how a provincial pennorth v nut it. Subscribers, at first inclined to be happy and gay about it, were profoundly disgusted, on reading further, to rind that it was not tho local steak-a-da-oyst' who had met a well-deserved fate. •'■•■'■ r .*.- ■ • ■ An exchange records that there is a widow, aged 78, living ne^r Pretoria, Transvaal (S.A.), who; has .been married six times, four of her husbands being widowers with children. She has had- 26 children of her own, and the care of 23 belonging to the widowers whom she marr|ed, making. ,49 In all, and is now grandmother of 270 children. This should bo a record. ' '•'-.■ ■ • * ■■ • A Dunedin lady, who had arranged to lease a house from a firm of solicitors, refused to complete the transaction owing to the City Council having m the mean| time renumbered tho residence m the i ; street and made this particular place No. 13. She' flatly declined to go into a house : carrying that number, and everything is i "off." It Is now facetiously suggested that the solicitors md.y bring an action against I the Mayor and burgesses for loss of the ; profits on the stilled transaction. • * * A SMOKER'S TRINITY.. When filled wJth good food and conceit, Say, with a girl beside the sea (The band makes sweetest melody), j Thero's one thing yet, As we coquette with lips and e'yos, And whisper tender honeyed lies | A cigarette. The waiter moves the wines ana fruits, And brings the coffee and liqueurs; A starlight night without allures: The chauffeur rnund tho- corner toots Tho motor car. Soon through the city, bathed In light. , We. flash; ah, then, what keen delight— A good cigar. Back to the bush at break of day; Tho billy bolls, wo saddle up, Then take a healthy bite and sup, And mount and sally ride away. Then the timo is ripo To light, and puIT with great content. The beat friend to man ever sent — ' . A seasoned pipo.
'A. girl can f stana. straight, and still bo bent on. marriage. . , ;' X dog's 'demonstration of pleasure gen-' erally begins at the end. ' ■ '''».' ■ a * ' Loving a woman never satisfies her, You've got to make love to her. '* ■ / : m ' ■ . . . m - : . ■ ; The- more women cultivate reason, the more-unreasonable they become.-'■'*•. .* ■ ' • How can you expect a mere woman to' be perfect, 'when even the sun has. spots on it? " I" " ' . We. are, told that wealth does not bring happiness, and we know... that poverty doesn't. ! . .... Said* that everybody has their double m this world, the .grocer certainly has his cbuntef-part. ■ • ■ ,»....*' •• A paid parson and- a paid patriot stand,: for the four Pestilent Ps—p ence, pinch, paunch, jiretence^ „..*.■ . *»' ... • . ~ . It is always the sartorially unexpected which marks new, .'epochs m a woman's career - of ,' fascination. .••••; ■ . ••'■ ] ■■' ;* ■ ■■ , It is a remarkable peculiarity with dcbt^ that their expanding power continue^ "to increase as one contracts them. .•• - • ' i* A love. affair is always , more interest^ ing. than a marriage, for the same reason that romance Is fuller of possibilities than I a biography. I . ■ • m ■ No woman ever yet loved a man with-, out wanting to pvish his hiir from his brow, and no man, however deep his af'fection, ever failed to wish she'd let -It alone. The Puritan has always been the ex- { pert politician. ; He has so little m his I own life that is amusing that he is forced to meddle with the affairs of other people. ' • X * * The ; toasts that taste sweetest as we swallow them are those to a day that has gone 'and has found its halo; to a woman's face wo piece together only m fragmentary memories. _•■■■'• • A bald head is a sure sign of intelligence. An intelligent brain moves so i quickly, revolves so rapidly, that the hair doesn't get a chance to grow. Movement so near the skull won't let the hair tako root. Now do you understand why it is that a woman can't grow whiskers? • * • SUBMERGED SHELLS. (In the latest coiffures the ears ard entirely hidden.— Ladies' paper.) • I wrote a tender lyric, And m it (.here appears An ardent panegyric ' Upon your dainty cars. I sang how music trembled Upon thosa dainty bells. And said thoy most resembled Transparent pink- tipped shells. Alns! that rapt effusion, Is on vain fancy reared, Amid your hair's profusion Your ears liavo disappeared. Those .shells — on which a lover'sj Poetic fancy raves — i A rippled sea now covers, A sen of Marcel waves. My whispered words aro thunder, I make each sigh a shout. To break tho veil asunder That keeps my pleadings out. Tho secret of tho matter To mo. at- lost, la clear, So long as maids may chatter They do not want to hoar.
Most men 'act like schoolboys when they come to crises m their life. . "■■",■;"•'■. .•■;■ V . .;..:• ■. Many men prefer to fill themselves rather than to fulfil themselves. ! .-.■ '.■■"* ■ •: / v '- • ■■' Remember, though the tord Is your shepherd. He has no use for a crook. .■■.*. ' ,- *■ , ' .•'.'■' .' Germany has banned the "Oliver Twist" fllmV we read. What the Dickens foe? *'.:■> -'-■ ■■*■'■ • . It is an extraorainaey fact that those •who get to high words generally use low language. ' " ' ' ' ■ ' ' " v . /ki •: , . ,;:? .. • It,is the ; way of women to go to extremes. " They either take everything or give everything. • ; •■ ■;.' ._._•.._ A njan named Duck; w,as .married the ottier day. "Critic" hopes there will be plenty "ducklings!" ' v « • ■ '•■>■*,-• . • m ■ > Live simply and naturally, and keep clear of entangling alliances and complications of all kinds. ,• i- ■'. * ■ ■ Maybe the world gets out of tune occasionally, ' because some people Insist en singing their own praises. • ' ■*'" '* ■ * ■ Do you know the eyes of woman who do without love and do not need it? They are the eyes of a business-like fish. - - ..'■'•■ •• ' •"•' The youngest member of a family I* h^rd to convince. His is the accumulated experience of his elders and inferiors. .■■"•. A recent matrimonial announcement: Mr. Gay to Miss Thoroughgood! "Critic" trusts that Mr. Gay will become thoroughgood, 'and that Thoroughgood will not become Gay! ■« • • Different kinds of "wines", have different kinds of effects upon the dispositions of different people. F*r instance: There is a wine that will send a man temporarily "barmy" provided he takes enough, of it; but there is another "whine." usually stored m the neighbor's backyard, that produces a form of madness from which recovery Is a dreadfully slow process unless taken m hand promptly. Poisoned meat is said to be a quick and efficacious remedy (for the "whine"!). • • • IHS MISTAKE. I saw- her going up the street— Her perfect figure— her small feet, The tout ensemble— chic — complete^ — J I waited. A hat enormous— feathers, too. And furs not rivalled m the Zoo; Said 1: "This looks like something new." ' I followed! Her veil, transparent figured lace: just as 1 passed she slacked her pace, But then— l could not see her face. So halted! Then followed her, quite close behind. And wondered if she'd really mind Or whether she might bo so kind To speak! I thought that she must sur«ly stop At some adjacent ladles' shop— When-to my Joy, I saw her drop Her glove! I picked it up: 'twos undressed kid. As my delight T naively hfd. And then she laughed— aho really did— I too! Then, turning, stared me In the face, And lifting "P »«r veil of lace, Said: "Well, have you enjoyed th« chaso?" ' >.ii, '*s!f&-- My wii!e!
