UNDER THE VERANDAH.

("Atticus" in Melbourne Leader.)

! LIQUID REFRESHMENT. This is too bad. After the efforts of the Rechabites here to ,make the_Victorian reception of the American Meet a purely temperance function, Admiral SpeiTy> answering a ■ wire .in reference to the,use of alcoholic beverages at; functions, says that "whatever liquid refreshment is good enough i for Australians is' good enough for Americans." Furthermore, it appears j that the Admiral demands strict teetotalism only aboard ship. The men must be sober on the/water, but can get drunk oV dry landr 'Mr, Judkms j and the- Viptorian Alliance won't like ttK v \6^^iheVibiie i^rers;. :ar!e. delighted, and breweries /are working over-time 111, anticipation of a bigv demand for the fluid that is i>opularly considered good enough for Australians. According to official teetotallers, Admiral Sperry'fc message should read: —- "What liquid refreshment is bad enough for Australians is bad enough for Americans." BEN TILLETT. ' Mr Ben Tillett has been at it again. 1 Since his last trip to Australia he has taken, 'a vicious delight in libelling and reviling the Commonwealth ; Melbourne is the more particular object of his resentment. He says we have thousands of workmen earning less than £1 a week, thousands are out of employment, sweating is a pernicious

evil,' and 100,000 are in actual want, and the Government refuses investigation for- fear 'of bringinfe these terrible conditions to light. Mr^Swinburne has cabled \aboutV4o. rlines - i^iheOJally; /Math ::3krts^;;^''4i^ have been put in a ri word;;of four let-> ters that?would:have /been emphatic and inexpensive. If "we attempt -to answer all ;j3en Tillett's tarradiddles by cable, it will be worth; the cable while to, subsidise- him. Our real grievance is dgiinstiyfchose'London editors who are so ready to print the, abuse of a notorious and convicted traducer of /Australia. Mr Tillett ,is said to be*ve>y, proud of his ability to worry a whole continent; so, no doubt, is the bot-fly of its, power to torment a horse. ' ~ - ■■' BOXING PAftSONS. .A short time back, at a meeting of a combative Protestant body' in' Melbourne,, the iact of Father Vaughan, of Dublin, having patted champion Burns on the: back, and expressed approval of his methods, drew, cries of; "Shame !" from, deVgy and*, good, churchmen;. and . one prominent speaker declared .that such, a thing would be impossible iin a P-rot'e&tant clergyman." Now we are tdld of ■the Rev. Wilmott; Anglicatn curate 'at Witham, England, cMUeMing any man -his weight Yon the side of the publicans. /The Rev. Wilnidtt is a boxing enthusiast and a, ssealous teetotaller, and\ he wants -to |>rove the superiority of strict./ abstinence -by putting up a fight ito: a: finish with any champion of alcohol,! 6oz. gloves, Queensberry rulesj professionals barred. This indicates .that the Melbourne gentlemen <if the meeting referred to are" very much mistaken In imagining that all Protestant ministers regard glove fighting with horror. .Taking into;,consideration the experience publicans have in putting a head on a man, Mr Wilmott's challenge is .particularly game. " TOMMY BURNS, ' The Rev. J. Walker, of St Andrew's Kirk, Ballarat, is sorely distressed at the cordial welcome Australia, has ex--tended, to America's fist ■ fighter, Tommy Burns. } ..' Says Mr Walker: "This pugilist cuts a greater figure in

jthe public eye .than eminent : theologians or politicians—than even !Mr Deakin himself." This remark ! shows that eminent theologians do not always put a great deal of thought into the ideas they promulgate.. Tommy Burns is a mere nine days' wonder- Mr Deakin is a permanent institution. In a month or two Australia, will have done with the pugilist, but the Prime Minister will retain his. place in popular estimation. When we are devoting a very great deal of attention to a meteor or a comet it does not follow that the sun is ignored as a lesser luminary. People cannot always be fixed in ecstatic admiration of theologians and politicians', however much politicians and theologians might like it. ' FEMALE ADORNMENT. The crusade against the slaughtering of beautiful birds and ,beast*3 to provide fashionable women with expensive adornments is gathering force, and there, seems to be some small chance of a lady presently blushing, to be found in possession of an egret. Having seen many crusades of this] kind rise and flourish and pass, and finding the bird of paradise and the ] humming bird still 'decorating Miranda Ys hat, I have my doubts about the success of the present movement..- Besides, where is reform to end ? If it is wicked to rob th 3. eider duck of her down, and the white fox of his fur, why has no humanitarian, a word to say for our good f imi|iar sheep? People who think the sheep goes voluntarily to the shearer,- and loves to loose its wool, can nev«r have" been under the hands of a bad barber. The shearing process is not plaasant, and the shorn sheep is one of the'most'' miserable creatures under 1 leaven, especially as Providence emphatically does not temper the wind ix> the shorn lamb. '..'■{. FOOTBALL UMPIRES. I have commented on the a mmber and variety of umpires on a football field nowadays, assuming that the idea was to always have a spare hal'i dozen on hand in the event of casualties, but footballers are not satisfied, and here is Mr "Jack" Worrall, of Carlton, asking for additional umpires for the final premiership-contests. Each club wants its own central umpire,' '/for luck," heusays, and he suggests that the umpires should be changed at half-time. Why not at quartertime ? Why not a fresh umpire every five minutes? Umpires are cheap and numerous in spite of the efforts of players and spectators to keep them ,down. The football council is to consider Mr WorralFs reform, and I trust it will not overlook the possibility of the crowd's view of the game being obstructed by umpires; that is, if there is any room left for a crowd when all the umpires are on" the ground.