WIT AND HUMOUR.

Some of the actresses do not draw, tut *dlo them paint. - ~ . The smelt is a small fish in the waters Dot- • " very large fish are often smelt in waxowa^^kiJi Barbers are not as a rule great Q jM^^H^^^H yet they .work fairly hard at the pffl^H^^^^H Mike: "F what's a microbe, "Sure, 'tis the most invisiDle--tlH^^^H^9Hj saw* The man who gets change of scenerv^^H^BH enough to suit anybody — A theatrical '^^H^H shifter. " Under the equator, gentlemen," remaxß^l^ 7^ an extensive traveller, "it is so hot that the natives have to put the hens in ice-chests to prevent them laying hard-boiled eggs," A countet paper, in puffing a certain soap, Ba y S _ "it is the best ever used for cleansing a v dirty man's face, We have tried it, and therefore we know." Visitoe : " So your poor husband has passed! away, Mrs. Murphy. He died happy, I hope ?" Mrs. Murphy : "Oi think so, mum. The lasht thing he aid was to crack me over, the head wid a medicine bottle." He Was Desperate.— He: " Then you reject me?" She: "I'm sorry, very sorry, but I must." He (desperately) : " Then there is only one thing left for me to do, that'B all." She (anxiously) : "Oh, what do you intend to do?" He : " Propose to somebody else." Standing before a clergyman who was about to marry him, a rustic was asked, " Wilt thoa have this woman, etc. The man stared in surprise, and replied, "Ay, surely! Whoy, I kummed a puppus!" A Deadly Insult.— Dudeson: "Ah — I say, waitah, what is 'this dish hyah?" Waiter: "That, sir? Macaroni au chappie, sir." Dudeson : " Macawoni au chappie 1 Ah — aii — what's that, pray?" Waiter: "Macaroni and calves' brains, sir." A German contemporary says that tLet " civil" clothes of the German Emperor oro , made by a well-known firm in London, bet { that some are also made by a Berlin firm and ' by one in Vienna. Jake Inkestein ; "Rebecca, on mein kneoo limblores you to be mein vife!" Rebates, Lowenkrantz: "Shake, git oop! Vat vosh you dinking ouf ? Dose bants gost more as tree pollar!" " He's what I call a wide-awake preacher," said the Chicago man after he had called fc* another drink. " The first Sunday he came ho talked that loud that nobody could sleep, and now the older members of the church haveeonimenced taking laudanum." Why JoHKNy Didn't Graduate.— ° Detme millennium, Johnny," said the tired school teacher, in the last half of the closing hour of the last day of school. "The millennium,]' said Johnny, promptly, "is the time when :'t will be vacation all the year, and there won't be any old school teachers around to ask littla boys foolish questions." A Cornish editor appeals to his subscribers in this unique way.— "lf you have frequent headaches, dizziness, and fainting spells, accompanied by chills, cramps, chilblains, epilepsy, and jaundice, it is a sign you are not well, but are liable to die any minute. Pay your subscription a year ia advance, and thus make yourself solid for a good obituary notice." This is something like originality. " Who is that terror over there in a greea gown?" asked a careless stranger at an "&V v . home," pointing to the lady standing nest to him. "That's my wife," indignantly answered the man. "Well, my dear fellow," was the wholly unexpected rejoinder, " don't get angry about it. I'm sure you have my heart-felt sympathy.'* A.: "You have got me into a nice scrape. My wife read that note yen wrote me yesterday about going to the theatre." B.: "But yon told me thatyour wife never opened youi letters ?" A.: "She doesn't as a general thine, and she would not have opened yours either ii you had not gone and written ' private' on the corner of the envelope." A little eight-year-old Irish boy in one of our public schools was reproved by bis teacher for some mischief. He was about to deny his fault, when she said, "I Baw you, Jerry." " Yes," he replied, as quick as a flash, " I tells thim there ain't much you don't see wid them purty black eyes of yonrn." That was the soft answer that turned away wrath ; for what lady could resist so graceful a compliment? An Irish tar, having been paid off at Portemouth, resolved to go to London ; but how to travel up suitably to his circumstances was the question. He was too rich to walk it, and the idea of being stowed in the hull of a stage coach (as his phrase wasp by no means tallied with his notions of gentility. In this dilemma a horse was proposed, and ride he would, albeit not much of a horseman. He had not proceeded far, when his nag, not relishing certain manoeuvres and broad hints to mend his pace, scoured ofi somewhat in a huff, which so discomposed the gentleman in the stirrups, that in a few minutes he was laid sprawling by tbn roadside. "So, Pat," said a fellow who had been a witness of his disaster, and heard a volley oi imprecations discharged in a broad accent, .« your b^orse has run away with you." " There you are out, by jabers,'? cried the tar, "for ha nas run away unthbut me." ' . Offices (Royal Irish)— " Why were you late in barracks last night, Private Atkins?" Private Atkins— " Train from London was very late, sir." Officer— "Very good J Next , >' 'time the thrflin's late, take care y' come by an/ '• earlier one i! f ~ .= .... „ .: .'"'.".■*' Visitoe: " So your poornuabana has passed . -away. Mrs. Mnrphy. :He died happy, X ■-, hope?" Mra.!u"ur£&y:"Oi think so, monu : The lasht tbing hjecsd waa to crock ttoorettbOi > ; bead wid a me^idnejbtqttfe.? ••.;•' '. : ; ■. '; -* \