Wit and Humour

Mike: What does "not transferable" mean on the ticket? Pat: It means that if you don t go yourself you won't be admitted.

The experiment of having music to j encourage clerical workers is being tried by some' London firms. A wife ' whose husband rang up to say he was detained at the office heard a foxtrot and the shuffling of feet and left the telephone looking very thoughtful. Two girl cyclists came into collision the other day, and it turned out that one was a telephone operator and the other a tea shop waitress. Naturally, each of them took no notice of the j other's ring. ■

An American woman has just broken a world's record for throwing the hammer. Curiously enough, her husband broke the record for the hundred yards sprint at the same time.

A dance band crooner recently had a record made of his voice in order to discover what it sounded like to other people. Nevertheless he is still crooning.

Lipsticks flavoured with cherry, strawberry, and peach are now on the market. This may, or may not, have anything to do with the fact that a man who returned home late the other night told his wife that all he had had for supper was some fruit salad.

"Didn't you guarantee that the horse wouldn't shy before the discharge of a cannon?" asked a cavalry officer of a horse dealer.

"Yes, and I'll stick to it. He never shies until after the cannon is fired."

"Ah, Mrs. Gaunt," said the minister, "so your poor husband has joined the great majority." "Och, dinna say that, sir. I'm sure Jock wasn' as bad's a' that." A merry party was going on in one of the rooms of, a hotel when the festivities were interrupted by an attendant, who said: "Gentlemen, I've been sejit to ask you to make less noise. The guest, in the next room says he "Can't read?" replied the host. "Well, tell him he ought to be ashamed of himself. Why, I could read when I was five." A Yorkshireman was summoned to appear before the Magistrates on a charge of stealing chickens. "You keep quiet," advised his solicitor. "Let me do all the talking." Later in the day he appeared in the dock. "Are you the defendant?" he was asked. "Nayy" he replied, pointing to the solicitor, "he's t'defendant. I'm chap what took t'chickens." . The old stranger shuffled into the country inn. '"Sixty-two years ago," he said, "I left this place, a penniless boy, with no prospects. All I had was five shillings, lent me by my schoolfellow, Burrows; I suppose Burrows is dead." "That he isn't!" cried an aged man. "I'm Jack Burrows, and let me be the first to welcome you back, rich and famous, to your old home." All the villagers cheered. "I'm wondering," said the returned native, "if you could lend me another "Mary," said the father. "I've just had a visit from Harry, and I've consented to your marriage." , "Oh, but, father," she protested, I don't want to leave mother." "Don't let that worry you," he replied, "you can. take her with you." POPULAR. Every student of public speaking at Harvard is required to make an afterdinner speech. "I'll pay for this, boys!" is always a winner. INCONSIDERATE. Said the plumber, "I've come to. mend the tap you wrote about." "But I didn't send for you," protested the housewife. The plumber looked puzzled. "Aren't you Mrs. Smith?" »"No, Mrs. Smith left here two months ago." "Lumme! Would you believe it, said the plumber to his mate, "sending for me to do a job and then movin'."

"Anither new hat, Jessie? Aren't you forgetting the budget we made at th' New Year?" "Well. Dave, you mind we made a verra liberal allowance for overhead expenses!" Sandy, in hospital: Who put the butter on this bread? Nurse: I did. Sandy: Then who took it off? Young Willie had been taken to the pantomime by his parents, and in the excitement he managed to wriggle through the rails of the gallery and fall into the stalls. "Come bak-'," bawled his father, ' it costs five shillun' doon there!" Tarn was buying the engagement ring. "I've a fancy,for one o' they diamond ones at ten shillings," he said, "but hae ye no ony imitation ones mebbe a bit cheaper?" "I'll move heaven and earth to play golf well," said Smith, having scattered the turf in all directions for hours. "Weel, ye've only heaven tae tackle noo, sir!" "Hello, old chap, you look fed up, what's the matter?" "My wife went out to buy a loaf of bread a few days'ago, and she hasn't returned. I'm wondering what to do. "Well, that's easy. Pop out and buy a loaf yourself."^ .

"Such an elephant must cost a great ' "Yes; I wish I had the money to buy "To buy one? What would you do with it?" ■ "Nothing. I only want the money.

WONDERFUL. The yokel came to London on an excursion and wandered into a fortuneteller's. "They say ye. be able to tell my character by my 'and," he said, extending his calloused palm. "Yes," said the palmist, "and for a start—you're from the country." "By gum!" exclaimed the countryman, "you be wunnerful!" 1 PUTTING HER RIGHT. The city man entered his office and fpund the new lady clerk vigorously powdering and making-up with various pastes, powders, lipstick, etc. "Er —excuse meT said he. "When I engaged you I said you could make yourself 'useful' in the office, not 'youthful'!" ■ : HOW IT'S DONE. "I'm expecting a pound box of chocolates this weekend," confided Muriel to her friend. "Really!" said her friend. "What makes you think so?" "The other night," she explained, "I told, my boy friend never to speak to me again." NO FAITH. At a special service. called for the purpose of interceding for rain, a Negro preacher began, his sermon by saying: "De lack ob faith" among you niggahs is appalling. Heah are we met to ask de Lawd to send us rain, and not one ob you hase brought an umbrella to go home with." ■. ,'•'•■. SUBSTITUTE. . The actress upon what she thought was a first-class plan for ensuring the safety of her pearl necklace. She always ' left it on her dressing table with a note, "This is only an imitation. The real one is at the bank." But when she returned one night from the theatre the necklace was gone. In its place was the following note: "This necklace will do, thanks. I'm only a substitute myself. The burglar who usually looks after this district is in prison." SUMMED UP. "Mrs. Important" was holding up the serving of customers in the butcher's by telling the assistant that the meat could not be good! It was so cheap! She always paid more. Again and again: the polite assistant replied that it was the best English, as labelled. She then said she would take some for her dogs. Whereupon another customer, waiting patiently to be served, said: "Please give me l£lb for my dog, or he will be late for his work."

SAFE. The manager of a cinema was interviewing an applicant for the position of attendant. After asking the man several questions as to his suitability for the job, he finally asked him:"What would you do in case of fire?" "Oh," said the man, "don't worry about me, I'd soon get out." ON THE CONTRAKY. Scene—The village pond, with an unfortunate skater up to his neck m icy water. , "What's the matter, mister? Ice broke?" said a simple native. "Of course not, you fool," said the skater. "I was swimming under water when the *>-jst came." GOOD CURE. "Well, my man," said the Irish doctor, "what's the matter with you?" "Pains in the back, sir," replied the patient. ~,-., "I'll soon put you right," replied the doctor, handing the man a box of pills. "Take one of these a quarter of an hour before you feel the pain coming on." FOLLOWING THE MOTTO. Farmer: What d'ye mean by shying stones at my dog? Boy: He bit me! Farmer: How many times? Boy: Once. Farmer: Only once? Why did you shy at him twice? Boy: Well, once bitten, twice shy, you know. USELESS. "How many times have I told you not to speak when older people are talking? You must wait until they have finished." , „ ' "Yes, mummy, but tlfay never do. EXPLAINING. Two women were talking in a tramcar. "My sister and me," said one, we ain't no more alike than if we wasn us. Yes, she's just as different as I be, only the other way." -THE VICAR KNEW. Vicar's Son: Dad, our form master said that to congregate means the same as to collect. The Vicar: That's so, my son, but a large congregation doesn't always mean a large collection. EXPERIENCED. Bigley: They say that women drivers offend the least under the speed limit laws. Wigley: I'm not surprised at that. Don't women always try to keep under thirty? PAYING FOR IT. Gibson: Now, I wonder what makes Higgles look so old —not his work, is it? Gribley: Dunno! P'raps it's the expense of making his wife look . so young. : TIME AND PLACE. Neighbour: Who do you like best in your family, Freda? Freda: I like Mummy, then Granny, and then my kitten. Father: And when do I come in? Freda: Usually at two o'clock in the morning, Daddy? THE FIRST STEP. Girls in New York are having their sweethearts' portraits painted on their fingernails. Later, of course, they will be under their thumbs. THREAT. Prison Governor: Last night my safe was. opened and plundered. It was one of you convicts. If I catch the man, out he goes. ISN'T THAT SO? A gossip is one who talks to you about others; a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself. ' WHY NOT? Small Boy (reading paper): Do you have to have a licence for a "bicycle now dad? Dad: No. Why? Small Boy: Well, it says here a man was fined for peddling without a licence. BITS AND PIECES. Guest (admiring exhibition case): What a wonderful collection of cups you have! It must have taken a long time to collect them. Hostess: No, they are just the last cups of each tea service we have had in the last two years. .. BELIEVE IT OR NOT. One of the troubles in this modern age is that too many people are spending money they haven't yet earned on things they don't need to impress people they don't like.. ■, AWAKENED. "Do you believe in dreams?" "I used to, but I don't now." "And why not?" "I married one five years ago." RIDICULOUS. "I see," remarked Bones, "that a statistician says . considerably more than half the population of the world is feminine." "Ridiculous!" replied his friend. "If that was so, how would he account for 'the fact that one-half of the world i doesn't know how the other half lives?" BE PREPARED. "Darling," said Mr. Whipple to his wife, "you must think of the future. s I shan't always be as young and strong " as lam now. Some morning I sha: '• wake and be unable to rise. I shall =■ want to get up and go about my accustomed work, but I shall be a tired . old man and I shan't be able to do it. , "No, my love, I shan't be able to I manage it much longer, so you'd better ' watch me cook breakfast this morning ; and learn how to do it yourself. S ALL FOR PEACE. . "That remark of yours would mean a fight where I come from. "Well, why don't you fight then? c " 'Cause I ain't where I come from, s f DON'T BE IMPATIENT. ' Victim: Hey, that wasn't the tooth I t wanted pulled! _ i Dentist: Calm yourself, Im coming i to it! t- HIS MATCH. ': It was the annual dinner of the local r fire brigade, and in response to cries of "Speech" their new chief arose and . gallantly proceeded to pay tribute to his wife. ' "I owe whatever success I may have achieved," he said, "to my dear wife. I well remember the first day that we met with what enthusiasm she urged me to adopt fire-fighting as a-career." "How romantic!' sighed Mrs. Simpid. '"Oh, captain, please do tell us, what was her advice?" "Ahem!" coughed .the chief. When I first proposed she told me to 'go to blazes.'" SHE KNEW. "Daddy," asked little Ann, "when you see a great, big bull aren't you fright"Of course not!" laughed her father. "And when you see a horrid blackbeetle, aren't you frightened?" "No." "And when it thunders, aren't you frightened?" persisted Ann. Her father shook his head. "Daddy," said Ann thoughtfully, "aren't you frightened of nothing at all except mummy?" AISY! Pat worked in a factory where they encouraged the staff to think, of ideas for the smoother working of the business. One morning he was shown.into the office of the chairman, and announced that he had thought of a way of ensuring that none of the hands would be late in future. "That sounds good," said the chairman. "How do you propose to do it?" "Sure, and that's aisy, sorr," said Pat. "The last man in blows the whistle."