WIT AND HUMOUR.

Son — " But accidents will happen, father, in the best-regulated families." Father—" That's all right, j but I want you to understand that mine is not one of the best-regulated families." " Papa," inquired the editor's only son, " what do you call your office ?" "Well," was the reply, " the world calls an editor's office the sanctum I sanctorum, but I don't." " Then, I guess ;" and the small boy was thoughtful for a moment, " that mamma's office is a spanktum spanktorum, isn't it ?" Dorothy's indulgent papa : "So to-morrow's your birthday, eh ? j Well, well, I must give you a nice ' present. Come now, choose one as ■ handsome and expensive as you | J lease." Dorothy : "I will take • ack Harduppe, papa dear." | Teacher: "Willie, suppose you! have five marbles; Sammy, there, ' nays 'I will give you seven more.' How many would you have then altogether?" Willie: "Just five, ma'am. He'd only be a-coddin*. You don't know him as well as I do." Governess : " Now, Pauline, tell your grandmother and me how long it is since Rome was founded." j Pauline : Two thousand six hundred and forty-four years." Grandmother (mechanically) : " Dear, dear, how time does fly." One-half of the world does nor know how the other half lives — nof in many cases would the former halt be willing to have it known how it lives. Someone talked of challenging Choate's vote, on the ground that he could not write. Better not, said a friend ; he will hand in a specimen of his penmanship, and then dial- i lenge your vote on the ground that you cannot read. Client — My dear eir, my case is as clear as the sun. I must surely win it! Lawyer— Yes, abstractly, of course, but remember when a case comes to trial we have no longer anything to do with clearness. She — I haven't seen you for five years. How's that little romance of yours with Miss H. ? He — Miss H. is no more. She — What, dead ? He — No ; ' married. She — Ha, ha, you are still friends, though ? He — No ; she married me. Bounding it off. — Why did you break off with Charley, dear? Oh, he's such a perfect flat. Well you're to blame for that — you used to " sit on " him too much. The difference between garden hose and the hose girls wear, is — you only see the garden in dry weather and the girl's in wet. " Oh, dear," sighed the recently bereaved widow M'Phail, tp a select coterie of sympathising cronies of her own sex, over a cup of fragrant congou, the other afternoon, " if puir Jamie had only had the sense to dae as I wanted him, an' mak' his will wiselike, there wad hae been nane o' this fuss aboot the property that thae lawyer bodies are kicking up. But I could never get him to dae that, although I'm shair I telt him scores o' times." " Dae the lawyers bother ye muckle, Mrs. M'Phail?" queried one of the gossips, in commiserating tones. " Bother me !" replied the bereaved relict. "They've fairly plaguit the life oot o' me wi' their haverin' aboot deeds and dockyments and residues, and what not, ever sin' puir Jamie's funeral. £ declare I sometimes wish the puir fellow had juist leeved on." Jerrold observed to a brother dramatist — Mr. P , who was not particularly remarkable- for the originality of his plots — that he could never bear to go to the theatre on the first night of one of his own plays. Mr. P. expressed much surprise. '* Oh," said Jerrold, "it excites me too much." Mr. P. assured him that he had never felt anything of the kind. " Ah ! no," replied the wit, "but your pieces have been acted before." Parental Guidance !— Academical Promise — "Then your daughter will be nicely grounded in metaphysics ?" Maternal Anxiety — " Indeed, I hope she will not be grounded in anything of the kind ! Do you think we want to make her a chemist's assistant." Miss Pretty Pert— "And why do you say I am like the honeysuckle ? Do you think me so lovely?" Honourable Percy Fitzgiven — " No, but because I imagine your qualities must surpass your charms." What is the difference between the way to enjoy a bonne-bouch and the truth about " a good figure ?" — The one lightly taste ; the other, tightly laced !" A SCOTCHMAN'S PHILOSOPHY. An old Scotchman is said to have risen in prayer-meeting one night, and apropos of nothing delivered himself of the following remarks : "There are three- things I never could quite understand. First, whyhoys will throw sticks at green apples, when, if they waited, the apples would ripen and drop off ; secondly, I never could quite comprehend why men go to war to kill each other, when, if they remained quietly at home they would die a natural death in good time ; thirdly, and most important of all, I do not see why the men chase around after the women, since, if they sat still, the women would run around after them." How true that death comes to all men, to some* so permaturely, who neglect the warning symptoms of approaching disease, such as a tired aching feeling in the moraine, headaches and nervousness, sour taste in the mouth, &o. All these are signs that the physical body is deranged, and that if treated lightly, serious danger is to be apprehended. "W. Swanson, Esq., 70 King William-street, Fitzroy, Melbourne, says: "About 3 years ago I was seized all of a sudden with great lassitude, dizziness and extreme nervousness so great ! that I was unable to rally after any effort. My digestive organs were so impaired, and my liver so congested that I was scarcely able to eat any solid food, and gradually became so weak that I could barely drag myself along. After using a number of doctors' medicines aud advertised remedies to no purpose, I started on a course of Clements' Tonic, which brought me great relief, especially when using Dr. Fletcher's Pills as well. Then I gained weight and strength quickly. I took altogether 12 bottles of Clements' Tonic and 4 boxes of Fletcher's Pills, and my health and vigor increased under their healthful stimulus." Miss Amelia Mensh, 471 King-street, Melbourne, writes: "I have suffered most acutely from neuralgia, so nruoh that my ' face often swelled great &nd caused me muoh agony. I can truly say that J Clements' Tonic gave me prompt and very great relief. ' ' Head office aud laboratories 212 A'Beokett-street, Melbourne.