MISCELLANEOUS.

A Calif ornian philosopher extracted from a schoolboy the following reply to a query, " How is the earth divided, my lad ?" "By earthquakes, sir." A Problem. — A door-knob fitted to reoeive and exhibit the photograph of the head of the house has been invented. They will probably have a slow sale until families can determine who is the head of the house. — New Haven Register. # Long Ago. — There was a period of over one thousand years in the history of this world when doors had no keyholes, and a citizen could be seen feeling all over the door without exciting the least suspicion against his social standing. Bad Advice. — An indifferent actor was playing Cassio at a country theatre. When he came to the passage, " Oh, that men should put an enemy in their mouths to steal away their brains," a stentorian voice roared from the gallery, "All right, old ?fellow, drink away j you're safe ?" Reserved Judgment.— Lord Polkemmet used to describe his judicial preparations in a characteristic manner : "Ye see," he would Say, " I first read a' the pleadings, and then, after letting them wamble in my wame wi' toddy twa or three days, I gie ' my am interlocutor." The American Communist. — " The Baltimore Gazette describes the average Communist as an "ignorant man, with warts on his nose, a vagabond from birth, who hasn't made up his mind to take to the country as a tramp, and who lacks both the nerve and ingenuity to be a burglar." Gayer Subjects Wanted. — Two French ladies were looking at the pictures in the Paris Salon. "So I hear," said one, "a celebrated painter has finished a picture for you." " Yes, he has graciously consented to paint the portrait of my husband for my drawing-room." " Indeed," said the first speaker j "well for a room like that I think I should have chosen a gayer subject." An Orphan. — An old darkey was endeavoring, to explain his unfortunate condition, j "You see," remarked Sambo, " It was in this way as far as I can remember : — Fust my fadder died, den my mudder married agin ; and den my muddor died, and den my fadder married agin ; and somehow I doesn't seem to have no parents at all, nor no home, nor nuffin." A Fellow Feeling. — A crocodile watched a small boy who sat injudiciously near him on the bank of the river. The small boy was eating a piece of bread. He waß hungry. The crocodile was also hungry. On perceiving this sympathetic bond between their natures the crocodile was moved to tears. "Poor boy," he said, "you want your breakfast. So do I. Yet, why should I deprive you of your bread, which you eat with so much relish ? I will not. But your legs — you cannot eat them. I will eat them for you." Encouraging for Mac. — In a provincial theatre the part of Macbeth was being recently played by a clever actor, who was also a very great favorite with his audience. In the banquet scene he had delivered his closing words to the ghost of Banquo, " Hence, horrible shadow 1 Unreal mockery, hence 1" when he dropped upon his knee, covered his face with his robe, and shuddered convulsively. Carried away by the intensity of the acting, a youth in the gallery, on seeing Banquo disappear, cried out, " It's all right now, governor — he's gone ! " Tough Swearing. — " Gentlemen of the jury," said a Tuscarora lawyer, " what kind of swearing has been done in this | case ? Here we have a physician — a man who, from his high and noble calling, should be regarded as one who would scorn to stain his soul with perjury, or be guilty of giving utterance to an untruth ; bnt what did he testify, gentlemen ? I put the question to him plainly, as you all heard, 'Where was this man stabbed?' And what was his reply ? Unblu shingly, his features as cool as though out from marble, he replied that the man was stabbed about an inch and a half to the left of the medial line, and about an inch below the diaphragm, and yet we have proved by three witnesses that he was stabbed just below the Young America Hoisting Works."